BATMAN: TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE
by Doctor Whoops
Summary: Another fic that began life as a messageboard joke! Dedicated to J & P and all who post on the Bat Beyond Messageboard! A humorous look at Arkham Asylum life as the GCPD try to find where Joker hid his stash. EDITED FOR CLARITY


TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE

I don't own anything here; I just pay homage to those that do!

With love always to J & P.

The clown just grinned as the fat man in the suit tried to make sense of his answers.

"Once again Joker where did you stash the loot?"

"Which lute Detective? Oh please there's no need to harp on that!" The characteristic laughter began to bubble until it reached hysterical pitch. For a moment it looked like the straitjacket would burst, Joker's arms wriggled as his shoulders shook, as each cold brittle laugh rippled through his veins.

The play on words was lost on Detective Harvey Bullock who took a deep breath and shifted his not inconsiderable weight in the creaking, uncomfortable chair, that he had been sat fon or most of the last hour. Bullock had been sent on a fools mission and he knew it, a wasted journey out of the city to Arkham Asylum in order to interrogate the Joker of all people! Not even the shrinks of the aforementioned asylum had ever managed much success in that quarter!

Still the circumstances were exceptional, the Joker had been at liberty for just forty-eight hours. Not enough time to rouse up his gang. There had been no Hyenas, and no Harleyquinn's. This time the Joker had worked solo and really hit the jackpot. A simple break and entry to the Gotham City Museum currently hosting The Mousavari Diamond Exhibition, 700 carats of stone worth an estimated $10 million. Joker had nabbed Mousavari's most prized exhibit the 167 carat Hooven De Long ruby. Sure The Bat and his cohorts had apprehended Joker later that night, but they came up minus the stone.

Mayor Hill was of course up in arms, it was hard enough to attract investors to Gotham City with its reputation for crime, let alone tours of prized and cultural exhibits guaranteed to bring out all the costumed kooks. Mayor Hill wanted results badly, the city's reputation was on the line, and he said as much in a hastily arranged meeting with Commissioner Gordon, who was told in no uncertain terms by Hill to get immediate results or have his "butt handed to him in a sling!"

And so, fresh from his memorable meeting with said Mayor, Gordon had gone straight to the new DA "The Mayor wants my butt," he informed him, "do you know what that means?"

The newly appointed DA shifted uncomfortably "That means you want my butt?"

"Damn right it does!"

It wasn't long before the "buttless" Commissioner and DA transferred the buck to Detective Harvey Bullock, a man of whom it could be said had plenty of butt to go round and it seemed that both the Commissioner and the DA, wanted a buttock each.

"Bullock! The Mayor needs to know what Joker did with the loot."

It didn't matter that the Joker was crazy, Gordon knew it, the DA knew it, and Mayor Hill? Who knew? The bottom line was butts were on the line! And the GCPD had to be seen to be doing something. So Bullock was sent to give the loon the third degree.

The Joker's hysterical laughter ended abruptly, "Would you like me to tell you where the ruby is Harvey?" he cooed sweetly.

"Yeah I would," Bullock reluctantly took the bait.

"WELL KISS MY BUTT!"

Bullock motioned to the orderlies to take the clown away and put him in his box. Charging out of the room in order to avoid another bout of Jokers shrill laughter he almost tripped over the mail trolley.

"Can't you watch what your doing with that thing?" Bullock rounded on the orderly.

"I'm sorry sir I didn't see." the bewildered orderly began to stammer, but Bullock held up his hand.

"It's okay pal, I just got a little steamed back there, so you deliver all the mail round here huh?"

"That's right sir."

"What's your name?"

"B-Barney."

"Barney, tell me something, does Joker get much mail?"

"Well not usually, the occasional sicko writes him fan mail, but now that his girlfriends got parole he's been getting one or two letters a week."

Bullock looked at him in disbelief, "Harley Quinn's out on parole?"

"She's not the only one, Poison Ivy too."

"Yeah I knew about that some kinda government thing."

"It's called the Suicide Squad" Barney said confidingly, "Criminals go on missions for the Government in exchange for a clean slate."

"How do you know all this?"

"I'm the mailman," Barney said proudly, "I know all there is to know around here."

"Listen Barney, my names Detective Bullock, you hear anything interesting about Joker give me a call." Harvey thrust a card into Barney's palm, "Mayor Hill is putting up a reward for any information leading to the recovery of the Hooven De Long."

Joker had laughed all the way to his cell up on the high security A Wing. It was getting late in the day and the sun had long since set. Lockdown was already in progress.

"Hi honey," Joker cooed to his fellow inmates "I'm hooommme!"

The orderlies helped him out of his straitjacket, "that will be all James," Joker quipped, "just fetch me my pipe and slippers and you can take the rest of the evening off!"

That earned him a "shut up clown!" and a swift kick in the ribs as the door was locked.

"You could report him for assault you know," said a voice from the shadows.

"No need, not one of my best jokes anyway."

A dark figure moved into what little light was able to stream through the bars.

"Where's the stone Joker?"

"Oh Batsy please, I've had a long day!"

Two gloved hands grabbed him by the collar and shoved him against the wall.

"Where's the loot Joker?"

"Batsy there's no need to harp." But Joker didn't get to finish as he felt his feet leave the ground, Batman still holding fistfuls of his collar had Joker dangling in the air.

"No need to what?" he growled.

"Er nothing I've already done that one!"

"Joker! I wont ask again."

"Okay, Okay, put me down!"

Joker was surprised to find that the Bat complied.

"You wanna know what I did with the stone?"

The Batman nodded.

"WELL KISS MY BUTT!" Fully expecting a punch, Joker took refuge in a barrage of laughter, but it never came. And when the laughing fit subsided Joker realised he was alone again.

Barney was a slob in every sense of the word, useless and lazy as an orderly, at the first sign of any trouble Barney would hang back and let the others sort it out. The only reason he wasn't dismissed was that it was very difficult to find anyone willing to work at Arkham. The other orderlies barely tolerated him and the only reason he had been given the mail round in the first place was simply because no one else wanted to do it.

Barney enjoyed the routine; he had total responsibility for all patient's incoming and outgoing mail. And he enjoyed the fact that all letters had to be screened before prisoners could either read or send mail. This meant that Barney spent afternoon's studying all letters in and out of Arkham. Which in turn meant two things, firstly all mail was delivered a day late and second that Barney knew everything there was to know about everybody. And he enjoyed letting all the patients know it too. If he read anything suspicious or untoward he was to report it immediately to Doctor Bartholomew, Arkham Asylum's principal medical officer. And in all the years that Barney had worked mail, this had never been necessary.

He spent his mornings doing the mail round slowly and deliberately in order to stretch the simple but menial task through until lunch. He would start his rounds on D Wing "patients of minimal risk," and work his way through the ranks up to the A Wing high security ward where the real psycho's were stored. Always last to get their post, sometimes they hated Barney even more than they loathed The Bat.

"Good Morning Gentleman," Barney announced mockingly as he began wheeling the mail trolley slowly down the corridor. Ignoring or perhaps basking in the attention of the glares he recieved from behind all those bars.

He pulled out his first letter and stopped outside a door. "This one's for you Crane!"

Inside his cell Jonathan Crane or The Scarecrow feigned disinterest. "Oh really?"

Checking to make sure the prisoner was standing behind the painted yellow line two feet from the door of his cell Barney continued.

"Yeah it's from another perfume company, rejecting your offer to sell them your pheromone spray recipe, what's that now? Three in a row?"

Barney chuckled as he slung the letter through the bars.

He walked past the next three cells, "nothing for you Tetch! Ditto to you Nigma, yep and as always nothing for Killer Croc!"

He snickered at the slow-witted Crocodile man "looks like Mensa are still considering your application!"

He moved on whilst Killer Croc rattled his cage in frustration.

"This one's for you Wesker!" Barney shouted to The Ventriloquist, "Another toy company rejecting those stupid glove puppet toys you designed in order to make Doctor Bartholomew think your sane now!"

Barney made a mouth shape with his hand and mouthed "The fluffy wuffy family! Hah! I got two words for you Wesker "Play Station"! Kids don't want no lamo puppets !"

A scarred wooden face appeared at the door, "you getter leave my pal alone Postgoy or I'll be stamping your death warrant! You'll ge going home in a gox first class!"

"It's okay Scarface," Arnold Wesker said soothingly to the puppet on his arm.

"Oh yeah your sane alright," Barney laughed as he shoved the letter through the bars, "how could anyone doubt it?"

Barney deliberately walked past the next door and stood before the Joker's cell the last one in A wing. There were two impatient thumps on the snubbed door.

"Hey where's my letter?"

Deep down Barney was terrified by these kooks and had long since come to the conclusion that he was never going to let them know it. The only way to make sure they never knew in Barney's opinion, was to treat them all with the same contempt. But Barney found this policy hard when it came to the Joker, it was like the clown knew what you were thinking! Not that Barney had many dealings with the Joker on account of the fact that he never got much mail, at least not until recently anyway. But Barney knew he had to apply his personal rule to everyone.

"This is from your girlfriend clown! Looks like her and Ivy are getting on just fine without you!"

Barney waited for a reaction but the Joker just stared back at him blankly. Even though Joker was behind the yellow line Barney still kept a hand hovering over the can of mace he had tucked into the left hip pocket of his belt. Trying to appear casual he stepped forward to perform his trademark shove of the letter through the bars.

"Boo!" Joker whispered softly, and Barney almost jumped out of his skin.

"A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing Barney." Joker whispered as the letter fell to the floor in front of him.

"In your face clown!" Retorted Barney desperate to appear brave in front of the others. Taking some seconds to recover his composure Barney again walked deliberately past the door next to Jokers.

"Hey mailman I'm talking to you! Where's my post?"

Barney turned to look at the occupant, "Oh I'm sorry Mr Dent, did you mean this?"  
He waved the letter teasingly in front of the semi scarred man before him, Harvey Dent former district attorney now known as Two-Face.

"It's from your wife, Gilda," he pronounced this "Giildar."

"It arrived the other day second class of course, she say's she can't visit you this month as her mother's coming over to stay!" And with that he flipped the letter through the bars and went on his way.

Joker waited until Barney had gone before picking up the letter. Yes it was from Harley, and by the looks of it she was enjoying life with Poison Ivy who was staying at the house he had brought through a business he had used to front his activities once.

"Dear Puddin, bla bla bla," Joker skimmed as he read about how Harley missed him, but that she and Pamela were getting on just fine. Then his eye caught something in the last paragraph.

"Ivy say's she wants to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

Joker's first reaction was "she's the plant expert ask her," but then he knew Harley was just being polite, after all it was his house.

"Someone ought to do something about that mailman!" Two Face snarled.

"Wonderful Idea Harv!" Joker replied, "Why don't you bring it up at the next group therapy session?"

"Bite me clown!" Two-Face hissed.

"Oooh! no group hug for you then!" Joker laughed, but Harvey was right they had all let this go on for far too long, he had the beginnings of an idea, "just leave it to Uncle Joker Harv!"

Two-Face was surprised to see Joker wink at him, "you have something in mind?" he asked curiously.

"Oh yes," Joker replied staring at Harley's letter, "Let's just say I may be able to kill two birds with one stone!"

Checking through the mail that night Barney was surprised to see that The Joker had written back, which was something of a rarity in itself. What was even more rare, Joker had actually written something worthy of reporting to Doctor Bartholomew. He took a swig of coffee from his mug and nearly choked when he read the contents. It was neat and to the point, all it said was;

Dear Harley,

Glad to see you and Ivy are getting on so well and

Making use of the house. Whatever you do, tell Ivy NOT to touch the back Garden! That is where I hid the ruby.

P.s. Don't forget to feed the Hyenas!

Love always

Your Mister J xxx

It was as simple as that! One hour of interrogation had yielded nothing, and here Joker was giving it all up in black and white. Barney knew he should lose no time in reporting his findings, but first he rummaged through his pockets and found Bullocks card. Time for a quick phone call first.

It was two days later, and Joker was in the midst of another interrogation at the hands of a tired and frustrated Commissioner Gordon. This time it was cut short by Doctor Bartholomew on the grounds that "his patient may experience a psychological episode if he was made to experience more stress."

"You haven't heard the last of this Joker," Gordon snarled as he got up to leave, "The DA will be pressing charges for wasting police time!"

"Oh please! " Joker retorted, "I have been committed to this fine institution for life, due to multiple homicides, theft, and torture, if you want to persist with this ridiculous charge the only time wasted will be your own!"

"That's enough Commissioner," warned Doctor Bartholomew, "any more and I will be within my rights to have you removed."

"Your rights? His rights? I pulled thirty police officers off their regular detail to go and dig up his garden on your man's say so, and it was all for nothing!" Gordon made for the door.

"We can't be held responsible for that Commissioner."

Gordon glared at the Doctor from the doorway, "Well someone is!" And with that he slammed the door.

It was the following morning when Barney arrived on A wing, he had now decided to do his round in reverse and get A Wing over and done with as soon as possible. Besides it wouldn't be for much longer anyway.

"Well look who it is boys!" Joker bawled, "It's the mailman, hey Barney any hot tips for us?" The whole landing was laughing, and Joker knew how to work a crowd.

"What's the matter Barney? No comeback? No repartee? Not going to tell us what's in our mail? Why don't you let me tell you what was in yours this morning. Your four weeks notice of employment termination?"

Barney who had been quietly distributing the mail stopped in his tracks. "How did you know?"

"Your not the only one who talks to Doctor Bartholomew." Jonathan Crane The Scarecrow, said from behind his door.

"We told him to get rid of you on account of the "deep traumatic stress" you inflict on us every day." Explained Two-Face. "It was Joker's idea I brought it up in group therapy!"

Barney looked around the landing at all the kooks laughing at him from behind their doors.

"Riddle me this Barney!" Edward Nigma AKA The Riddler shouted, "Why is being a mailman such a bad job?"

"Because," replied The Joker, "everyday you get the sack!"

Joker and Riddler mimed a high five to each other from behind their separate cells.

"So Barney," continued the Joker, "do you have any mail for me?"

Barney shoved the letter through the bars a look of utter defeat on his face, he then turned to retrace his steps down the corridor with what little dignity he could muster.

"See you around Barney," Two-Face hissed threateningly.

"Yeah Barney," called The Joker, "and don't forget to write!"

The laughter was almost deafening as Barney hurried to the exit.

With Barney gone the laughter soon subsided and Joker turned his attention to Harley's letter, which began predictably enough with;

Dear Puddin, You wouldn't believe what happened puddin. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden.

The Joker didn't bother to read the rest he simply scribbled down his reply on a piece of notepaper, and placed it in an unsealed envelope, as he knew it would have to be read prior to mailing.

"Your looking pretty pleased with yourself clown," Two-Face muttered from across the bars.

"Two birds with one stone Harv! Two birds……"

"Have you seen this?" Gordon thrust a sheet of paper into Batman's hand. "It's a copy of a reply Joker sent to Harley-Quinn today after she told him about our treasure hunt in his garden."

Batman glanced at the note and even he couldn't help but grin, it read;

Dear Harley,

Tell Ivy NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!

Love Mister J xxxx

"Son of a…..." muttered Gordon, "he played us all like a harp!"

"Maybe, maybe not" Batman replied as he glanced from the GCPD roof to where the distant lights of Arkham Asylum could dimly be made out on the city's outskirts.

"What do you mean?"

"Did you ask Joker outright, what he did with the stone?"

"Yes," replied the Commissioner, "I believe his exact reply was kiss my butt!"

"Same here when I asked him," Batman replied, "and what about Bullock?"

"It was the same!" Gordon replied, "but what does that mean?"

"Well," explained Batman "there wasn't much time between the robbery and his capture for Joker to hide the stone, no evidence on his clothes of digging so I knew the garden story was a red herring."

"Oh thanks you might've told me that sooner!" Gordon spluttered.

"Would it have stopped you from digging up his garden?"

"No," The Commissioner admitted reluctantly, "all leads have to be followed up."

"And Robin, Batgirl, and myself looked everywhere for the stone, except one place. The only place Joker could possibly have had time to hide it."

Batman looked meaningfully at Commissioner Gordon.

"Your not serious?"

But Batman's face was its usual grim mask, "ask Doctor Bartholomew to have Joker's stomach X-Rayed tomorrow, then I guess we just have to wait, a stone that size could take days to pass."

"Oh my god," Gordon sighed dreading the prospect of telling Mayor Hill, "is there nothing else we can do in the meantime?"

He looked around but Batman had already pulled his trademark disappearing act, it was just him and the Batsignal.

He was just about to switch it off and go downstairs when he heard Batman's voice carry from across the rooftops,

"You might want to suggest that they give him more greens to eat!"

The End


End file.
